Friday began the longest of days as I woke up knowing that it was probably going to end with the loss of our beloved family cat, Thomas. After a week of not eating or drinking, he had become so weak that walking just a few steps was too much for him while his breathing was so labored, it became impossible for him to even sleep. I had long been suspicious of the dreaded cancer diagnosis but it was not yet confirmed through diagnostic testing. Despite our best efforts to treat the symptoms, he was dying.
Even during such a hard, grief-filled day, we had so many unexpected blessings. Thomas woke up bright-eyed and was open to being held, cuddled and petted, a change from the cat who would growl and stiffen in pain each time I picked him up earlier in the week. When my 9 year-old daughter fussed at him to drink his water to ward off dehydration, to our shock he actually lapped up a few drops, “just for her.” We were able to make memories and see him at his best while we were saying goodbye.
When I began to question whether his alertness might signal that he was getting better, feeling guilty that I was even considering euthanasia, I asked God to help me make the best decision. Our vet called a few hours before his appointment, concerned that she saw Thomas on the schedule again and to check-in prior to his arrival. When I relayed all that I had observed in the past week, she asked that I bring him in right away for further x-rays to check out his lungs prior to his appointment. It was then that we found the tumors in his lungs and knew it was time to ease his pain. God’s grace is thus that I no longer felt the burden of guilt in making the decision to put him to sleep.
I took him home, we had 2 hours with him to love on him, pray around him and surround him with as much comfort and care that we could. When we took him to the vet, we went as a family of 4 surrounding him as he finally drifted into a deep sleep from the sedative. I sent the kids with my husband to the waiting room while I was with him during the final breath. It’s the most peaceful I have seen him in over 2 weeks.
And I cried – deep, soulful tears and my grief was a blessing. That he had to go so soon, that I would miss him deeply and that I still loved him and did not want to let go. I also felt a tremendous sense of relief that he was no longer in pain and suffering, that I had been able to give him the gift of rest. The decision I hated making as an adult was also a tremendous gift in that moment.
My kids saw me cry and learned that tears are not to be ashamed of – they are the balm that leads to healing, an outpouring of love that breaks free from a broken heart. Those who love deeply, grieve deeply. Tears are also precious to God and become a form of prayer when you just cannot find the words to speak.
“Are not my tears stored in your vial, recorded in your book?” Psalm 56:9
Finally, we were blessed by the prayers and outpouring of love from friends and family members who have walked this path before and were able to give compassion. They were our “sheltering trees” during our time of hardship and I am so very thankful to them. As Thomas rests in peace in heaven, we are at peace knowing we will see him again and that he is no longer in pain.
Knotted Paths 